夢見たいです、この日。

DEPARTURE FOR JAPAN IN 1 DAYS

Gyaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Besides this laptop, I'm entirely packed! Even my toothbrush is packed! I'm so excited, I cannot even contain the happiness inside my heart that after three years I will be finally returning to Japan, and this time I'll be even more equipped to serve others and share the love of Jesus with them. For a very long time, to go to Japan again has been the purest desire of my heart, and here now God has shown His faithfulness and is sending me out! Words cannot describe the stupid smile I have on my face. It hit me like a tidal wave just this afternoon, I was driving along the freeway and like I had a shiver I just jumped, my face lit up, I cannot believe I am really going to Japan. 

I'm excited to go to places I have not been too before. My visit to Japan was nothing short of magical, running around Tokyo and Yokohama, now it's time to see places like Sendai and Saitama. I'm so excited to get on the ground there and even more excited to meet new people and hear their stories. I had written to my pen pal, Hitoshi, saying that one of the things I am looking forward to the most is learning more from the Japanese through serving alongside them. I want to go on this missions trip with even more of an open mind than I had last time, and take each experience and carefully preserve it in my heart to share when I come back to California. 

It's like a dream, this day. I thought it'd never get here, and yet here it is. In a short matter of time I'll be on a 10 hour flight to Tokyo. I get this hopeful smile just thinking about it. And I feel greatly indebted to so many people for their love and support. To everyone, a deep and humble thank you. I wouldn't be here without your obedience to God, your love, your prayers, your existence (truly!). I felt a little sad today, just that I couldn't be around the great friends I made at City Cru this past semester, and many of them actually wrote to me while I was feeling this way, in texts and on Facebook, this lifted my spirits so much. I know for a fact the Lord is looking out for me. 

I have to express my frustration with how much I talk about myself. I can't wait to stop! I can't wait to be able to focus on God and others, as my life should be all the time, and I hope that I take from this missions trip, a lifestyle of that nature. I know that I have had the beautiful opportunity to go on this project for a reason far greater than I could think up, and so while I do expect to grow even more in the Lord and as a person through it, I know there is even more in store that will bring many to Jesus and glory to God. 

I'm ecstatic. I'm ecstatic. 

楽しみです！

DEPARTURE TO JAPAN IN 3 DAYS

With three days left until my departure to Japan with Campus Crusade, I'm really starting to get excited. Just yesterday, it was difficult to even fathom the idea of going to Japan. It just didn't feel real. Today I've got my packing almost finished, with a few small things left to acquire, and I'll be all set to leave. I'm so excited, I'm so nervous, but more excited than nervous. Everyone who has been lifting me up in prayer, you are all so wonderful and I'm so grateful for your prayers. My heart, I feel like it has expanded just over these past few days. I'll be honest and say that in the surreality of being able to go on this missions trip, it was very easy for me to become centered around myself, even in little things like packing and what to pack, and details, and when I would get them. But thank you for continuing to pray for me, because God is showing me what it means to be more and more humble every day. It's not something that I can do in my own strength, this is certain. It's truly a work of the spirit, God's hand moved, by your prayers. Thank you so much, everyone. 

Since the organization I'll be working with on the ground is completely volunteer run (this organization being CRASH Japan), getting details about what kind of work I'll be doing and where I'll actually be in Japan, came very slowly. But finally I got a tentative schedule in my email  this morning, and my little heart just couldn't contain the joy I felt reading it. 

The team I'm in will be going to work in Nasu, Japan. It's within Saitama, and very close to Tokyo. We'll also be spending some time in Sendai, which is further up north. I'm going to be close to my host-family and my pen pal while I work, just under two hours outside of Yokohama, but no where near my friend Narumi, who is volunteering in Iwate-ken. I don't know if  I have introduced Narumi yet. 

She and I met when I visited Yokohama for the very first time. At the time we were both in high school, and she was about to graduate and wanted to study to be a nurse. For two years we sent each other snail-mail, and special gifts at Christmas time. I remember she sent me a big package of fun snacks, and I sent her Teavana tea. We lost touch in the next year, and when the tsunami hit, I was so glad to be able to hear from her aunt in San Diego to let me know she was okay. Narumi is still studying to be a nurse, and according to her aunt has made exceptional progress and has stellar grades. She's really giving it all she's got. On top of that, Narumi has told me herself that each day she and a group of her classmates  spend the afternoon volunteering in Iwate, removing debris and cleaning up the areas that have been damaged from the tsunami and earthquakes. Narumi and her classmates have been working together even through the nuclear panic that shook Northern Japan in March, and even to this day really. Her bravery and perseverance is certainly an inspiration to me. I'm very sad I won't be able to see her, but I am glad we are able to communicate via email. Her stories of what she is able to do, just as an available student, in Iwate, could encourage any one to take time out of their lives to just "be available" for someone or for a task. While Narumi may not see how honorable her actions are, the way she spends her time does speak volumes, at least to me. 

In Nasu, a lot of the work that is done is based around distribution of food and supplies. I can see a lot of heavy lifting in my future, but I'm just ecstatic to be able to do tasks that show the love of Jesus to others. I'm also looking forward to the trip to Sendai. Sendai is one of the bigger cities in Japan, and one of those most deeply affected by the earthquakes, especially in areas like Miyagi, Iwate, and just a little bit further north, Fukushima.  (And for those of you who were wondering if I'd be anywhere near Fukushima, it doesn't seem like I will be within any dangerous limits, and even if I end up there, it won't be for very long. CRASH and Campus Crusade have literally been working around the clock to ensure this team's safety. ) I know that it will be very sobering to see the way in which Japan changed in a matter of minutes. It's especially difficult because here in the United States, we covered the crisis in Japan on the news for maybe a few weeks and then stopped, as if it was all over, and the world was the way it had been before March 11, 2011. It will be very interesting, and I wonder how it will feel, to see that no, things are still needed to be done in Japan, very much so. 

This schedule I received in my email is a tentative one, which kind of makes this trip fun, actually, because I won't know for sure what'll happen next. I'm looking forward to this more than ever. I'm so excited and trying very hard not to get ahead of myself, and continue to be prayerful and humble through this process. I'm so excited for the opportunities that God already has created, and has planned for this team and for the people whose lives God wants to heal and shower with his amazing grace and love this summer and forever. Jesus loves Japan so much, that makes me crazy happy! 

予定について。。。

So to you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.  James 4:13-14

DEPARTURE TO JAPAN IN 8 DAYS

Today was a very high stress day. There was a lot of confusion and hardly any peace. But amidst all of it, things could not possibly be better. I was reminded today that sometimes things work out the way we do not intend to, and if that is the case, it means that something greater is surely in the works. Today I received my last couple of checks of support, and my goal has been reached as far as financially raising money to go to Japan in a little over a week. To everyone who has supported me, a heartfelt thank you and bless you. It hasn't been easy on any of you, and some I see more than others, but your contribution is much greater than me. It's all in God's hands and He will make beauty from your gifts of love in Japan. I believe this with all my heart. 

It was hard to receive the last check I got because it was from my parents. I was grateful for their generosity, but hesitant because they already support me with so much. I had actually planned to try and raise enough money so they would not have to pay for anything for this project. But they believed that God had placed in their hearts, so I couldn't tell them to just ignore God. Nevertheless, it was a tough pill to swallow, but I'm very grateful to everyone for their sacrifice. It's been a busy summer for many people, and I was just explaining this on the phone to one of my project directors, as my funds were looking low these past couple of weeks and he expressed concern. There have been many graduations, babies, weddings, birthdays, holidays and special occasions in many peoples lives this summer, and with the short notice, to receive gifts from anyone has been a shock and a blessing, and I'm sure, a sacrifice on their part. A very humble thank you to everyone. 

I've got a bag and a small suitcase! I keep taking the clothes I've folded and packed already out of the suitcase and wearing them though. It's no good - they're my favorite clothes, well, I should say they are the clothes I wear often. I get the feeling that I'll be needing new clothes when I return from Japan. Which is well...great, I suppose. It was really fun getting to shop for things that I have to take with me, but truly I've been trying to give a lot of thought to omiyage to give to the people I meet in Japan. It's been a little frustrating. I've consulted Google, and just haven't found anything that truly expresses me saying, "It's so nice to meet, and Jesus loves you" in gift form haha. I guess, in a way, my excitement to go to Japan again in four years is trying to be summed up in a gift. This is no doubt, a bad attempt to make. I am hoping that maybe I'll be able to find some locally made cookies here in SB or in Carpinteria to take with me to give to the people in Japan. Lots of people have suggested to give sweet things like chocolates or candies or cookies or ... yeah gift things. There are so many options, you know? Perhaps to think more quickly about it will be helpful though. 

These days I find that I am thinking more and more about what to do once school starts again. I may already have a job lined up for the fall actually too, but for the sake of publicity, I'm going to keep a secret what job I may be getting. It will be new and exciting and not Teavana (oops did I say that? :/ ). My mind is moving so quickly head, I think that maybe this is the reason it doesn't feel like I'm going to Japan. I feel everyday there are so many things that I have to do to prepare for the trip, but when I set down to do something, I see there is maybe only one small thing, or nothing at all. I find myself repeating things, things worth repeating that is. I try to think about what I'll see when I get there, and how I will feel seeing it all. I have started listening to Japanese while I sleep and watching movies and TV shows without the subtitles. It's very hard sometimes, but I like to try my best. 

Of course, I want to keep praying about this project as much as I can. I know that anything can happen on this trip, I just want people to meet Jesus when I'm there. Sometimes, especially when the crisis in Japan first happened, I was sad that people suddenly decided it was time to pray for Japan when the country was in need. Japan for many years has been turned away from Jesus, but because they have money and innovation, fashion and excellence, many Christians make the assumption that Japan is okay. I will concede that Japan can be a scary topic, because sharing the Gospel includes communication, and lots of it if you want to do it right. Language and cultural barriers are difficult to see past, as human beings. Maybe this is what intimidates me about other countries where I do not know the language. It is the same. So I don't say these things to criticize others for suddenly praying for  Japan. I'm not a hipster who says, "Oh I was praying for Japan before it was mainstream". 

I suppose the point I'm trying to make is that I hope that those who are being helped in Japan by the many volunteers coming through feel the true love of Jesus regardless of their situation. I hope they can understand we would want to share Jesus with them with just as much passion, even if the tsunami never took their homes away. But only God knows who will open their hearts and who will not. I have asked myself these kinds of questions, what if our endeavors in Japan are met with hostility? What if people don't want to hear about Jesus? How would I handle the situation? These are things I have considered. The mistake I made going to Japan the first time, was not asking myself practical questions and thinking about the feelings of others. Not in a way where I would be intimidated and not share the love of Jesus, but where it was like I was walking with tunnel vision, unable to see beyond my own motives. Like talking to a wall. I decide I don't want to make that same mistake twice. I am excited to go and serve, to listen and to learn, and to speak, if necessary. 

Embracing my Roots and Pop Culture

DEPARTURE TO JAPAN IN 11 DAYS

Firstly, I want to thank everyone who has been praying for me these past few weeks. Thanks to your prayers, it looks like plans for the Japan trip are coming along smoothly. I haven't really been too dramatic in expressing just how last minute this whole Rebuilding Project has been. In the midsts of graduations, babies, and mountains of wedding vows in my community, I know it's been tough for those of you who have, to set aside money, and the time to lift me up in prayer. My brother JT graduated this year, and that was even a very busy couple of weeks for my family, so I am sure that many families are having wild summers. For taking a moment for me, for Japan, thank you so much everyone. 

I just got my itinerary and I'll be flying out of Los Angeles on KOREAN AIR. I've never ever flown on Korean Air before, I'm so excited!! I wonder what it will be like - hopefully something like the Korean Air Commercials... well, maybe not entirely like the Korean Air Commercials. But I can't say no to some "excellence in flight". You can tell, I'm stoked. :) 

Today I got a package in the mail. Before my summer started, I was able to sit down with my mentor from Campus Crusade and have one final conversation with her, particularly about myself and my heritage. I don't talk about how I'm African American a lot, and tend not to identify with people of my same race, and sometimes my heart has held a bad feeling towards my own race. Uncovering this, and being able to share it with someone who so patiently encouraged me to explore my heritage, was a definite gift. I made a little project out of it this summer, taking issues one by one that bother me about African American culture today, in the past, in the media, in my family. 

I took a first step close to home and decided to do some research on African American hair. Well, you can ask just about any African American woman and she probably has stories about her hair, lists of products she uses to keep it nice, and to be honest, I've never really paid close attention to it. I took to watching Chris Rock's documentary called "Good Hair"as a start. I watched it once, and then had to make my boyfriend watch it. I wouldn't necessarily just recommend the documentary to anyone and everyone, and I would say some of the things presented ought to be taken with a grain of salt, like all facts and opinions should. But I was able to look deep inside the processes, the products, the emotions and culture that surrounds African American Hair. My appreciation for my heritage grew in this small way. 

I felt like I learned a lot about my own hair, and was able to break through my insecurity of it, and embrace it even more. I am even embracing hair extensions, which came in the mail today. I used to wear hair extensions because I hated my hair, now I wear them because I love my hair. Sounds strange, I'm sure, and it's hard to explain, so I apologize. I guess what I mean is I have decided that as long as I treat my hair with love and respect, I am welcome to experiment with it and enjoy what I've got on my head. I wish I had thought about doing this when I was 6. My hair is like a plant, I'd like to think, and when we look at plants with love and take care of them, and sing to them and let them have water and light, they flourish and are just as happy as we are. 

Playing with Length in Love. :) 

It was funny putting in my hair extensions then walking out into the kitchen, one brother said I look Japanese, the other said he doesn't like it. He likes my hair curly. Well, these are clip in extensions, I told him, so if I like my hair curly tomorrow, it'll be that way. 

I hope that I continue to make progress in my way of thinking, and really ask myself why do I believe certain things about my culture before claiming them as my opinions. So far it's been a success. I feel beautiful, no matter the coarseness of my hair or the pigment of my skin. Progress!

７月１日：日本、私に待ってください。

DEPARTURE TO JAPAN IN 12 DAYS. 

  I am so excited to say that God has been faithful, and while I have not officially reached my support goal as of this very second, it looks like I will be going to Japan for sure on July 1st with Campus Crusade for Christ to do a Rebuilding Project in the areas affected by the tsunami and earthquake. I don't know if I've given much details about this project, and since I've got some time,  I thought to put down a small introduction, specifically for those of you who will be following this blog while I am in Japan. 

 A little back story, my testimony is about how constant God has been in my life. He has been obviously constant in that my family has been raised in faith, which is something I didn't understand to appreciate until recently. I know I am young and have a lot to learn, and sometimes the things that I say won't make sense, but they are just me being honest, like my prior statement about growing up in a Christian home. Growing up, I definitely take faith for granted, and I deny having any faith of my own as a younger person. I was the type of person who would naturally seek out fulfillment in anything but Jesus. This caused me to be very socially unstable, obsessive, and I ended up with a case of anxiety in my senior year of high school. It was instances where my mom would tell me, as I tried venting to her about how my life was going nowhere, she would say, "Just pray about it." And I'd shake my head and say, "No. What do I do about it?!" I didn't understand that the things that I held to tightly that kept slipping through my fingers couldn't make me happy. I thought there was some kind of achievement at the end of life, something that would make all the struggle worth it. I just wasn't sure what it was. 

Because I was so used to going through phases, where I was wholly engrossed in something and then on to the next thing next month, I treated vital relationships in my life that way. From my personal perception of love and romance to friendships. I remember telling the boy who ended up being my first boyfriend I had commitment issues, and I didn't even know what a commitment issue was at the time. So the phases of life passed on by me, but as I look through the fabric of my life, even though each color is different in each season, the fabric choice has always been the same. God has always been there. Even when I didn't acknowledge Him, even when I didn't want Him around, when I thought He and I were close, and every time I've felt out of arms reach of Him, God was always there. 

In my life, the only things that I have built upon the foundation of Christ have lasted. The compassion that God has given me for Japan is one of those things. I guess, it's foolish to say that I had built that compassion on Christ, it really just came from Christ. My relationship with my wonderful, loving best friend in this whole world, had it not been for God's grace, should have fallen to pieces years ago. Yet God has been faithful and has held us in His hand all this time. And my very own personal relationship with Christ... I've seen it go from a dying and parasitic liar game centered around me, to something more and more beautiful, and something I am more comfortable now than ever before in my life completing my identity. It really dawned on me this past semester in San Francisco, there's nothing in life I could possibly need, no point of view I could possibly have, there's nothing but Christ that is worth anything. And it wasn't until recently I was able to throw aside even the blessings I have received to follow Jesus. 

God's constant watch over me, and His blessings that have been constant in my life, show me more and more that Christ is real, and show me more and more that if I trust Him, He really does make my path straight. We know the hymn on Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. That's basically the story of my life. 

So what does Japan have to do with all of this? To be completely honest, Japanese rock music started off as a fad for me, I remember I was web surfing (as I did sooo much in junior high) and all of the sudden I hear Season's Call by HYDE for the first time. Literally, that was all that did it for me. Listening back on this song, it's not even as epically mind-blowing as I remember back when I was 13. But I remember I just had to see this guy in concert. I had to learn all of his songs, I made my parents buy me a guitar for Christmas, and once I saw him in concert, I knew I wanted to be a rockstar. Like, literally. Now, for me, I knew this whole love of Japanese rock was going to come to an end soon, because it was the cycle of my life. I would get really into something, and then I would just lose interest over a while. I would make heroes and idols out of these rockstars (alice nine., 12012, you name them, I was in love with them), and get let down by their not exactly acceptable lifestyles. But I was determined to follow them, much like I followed all of my other fads and phases. A great friend of mine, Katie, and I were just crazy about J-Rock, as it stormed through Los Angeles, we went to so many great shows!  

But God bless my mother, in the midst of my obsession that probably looked like I was part of a cult to her, she asked me, "What are these artists singing about?" Pffft Like I knew!! So she suggested I take Japanese, and at the time, wanting to become a Japanese rock sensation myself, I thought that was a fantastic idea. Oh how God doesn't overlook even the smallest of opportunities. Learning Japanese, I had no idea how far it would take me. I picked up the language really well and it became a focus point for me, and academic pursuit. I met many people and learned a lot about the Japanese culture through first hand accounts from exchange students through a language exchange program, and even my instructor, who is unforgettable and so sweet, Mrs Roberts. With a year of Japanese under my belt, I saved up money for a plane ticket to Tokyo and with Plastic Tree in my ears, I flew off to the land of the Rising Sun for the first time. All this time, a thought came to mind, that maybe this wasn't just a phase of sorts, but maybe that this interest in Japanese would impact my life. I had no idea how much. 

My first time in Japan, my heart found its home. I volunteered with my sister church in Yokohama; I was able to see what being a Christian was like in Japan, and though I thought of myself as a Christian at the time, I had no idea that the places I went and the things I saw in some parts of my time there would be revisited once I had truly given my life to Jesus. There was so much I didn't understand, but I came back glowing and full of beauty like stars in my eyes looking off to the future. Years passed and I wasn't able to go back to Japan. I even tried not to study Japanese in college, but after much time and struggle, I found myself at San Francisco State University, as a Japanese major. I began to ask God though, was I really supposed to be studying Japanese, but not in a doubting way. It was more of a way of asking if this was what He had for me, was it really? I mean, the fads of loving Japanese rock had died down, it's still all I have in my iPod, but I'm not crazy obsessive over it, and I wasn't even sure if there was anything I could do in Japan... nevertheless God took me to SF State where I could study the language further, and when I was studying Japanese, I felt happiness. It's that kind of happiness one feels when they are standing in the place where they are meant to be in that moment in time. 

March 11th came around. I remember getting a call from my mom at 3am. She left me a message, and I woke up at 8 and listened. Her voice was strained with concern, she tries to sound calm when she's rustling inside. She had called to ask if I needed to be evacuated, but before she got to me, she said there'd been an earthquake in Japan and it was, "really bad." I sat up in bed, I couldn't speak, I couldn't believe how quickly I flipped open my computer, googled Japan, and saw horrifying videos of the tsunami. I was only half listening to my mom's message, I think I even put the phone down. I ran to our television, in a panic. I've never cried for Japan like this. Ever. My friends contacted me quickly, they were safe. I was grateful, but my heart was too heavy to keep the tears away. 

Looking back on it, I had no idea why I was so broken up for Japan like this, I had never felt like this before out of the sheer truth that less than 1% of Japan knows Jesus. That made me sad, but this brought it home for me. I know for a fact it was not a compassion that I mustered up, but a wave of the love of Jesus for Japan. I remember trying to explain my feelings to people, and not being able to, because these feelings were not mine, they were God's. While this may sound kind of strange, I have no better way to explain it. To this day, I have acknowledged the privilege that it is that God would love a nation of people through me, and with my flesh heart. There were so many reasons I could give you years ago why I was interested in Japan, now it's like none of those things exist. It's just unconditional love of Christ. I know that God brought me to SF State for March 11th's horror, and He brought me to Campus Crusade for Christ for the Rebuild Project this July. 

  I get speechless at the thought of me actually getting to go to Japan and love on the people there through service. Some of the things I'll be doing while I'm over there include light debris removal, children's ministries, cooking and LOTS of cleaning, and of course sharing the love of Jesus with others. This project is going to be so different from the first time I visited Japan. Firstly, I feel like a completely different person going this time. I know that I belong to Christ, not because of anything that I have done, but because of everything He has done for me. I remember observing Christians in Japan and not being able to understand it so well, but I will go with a deeper understanding this time. Japan, obviously will look different. I remember seeing places I had driven through in Japan just destroyed, there will be ghost towns and areas leveled as far as the eye can see. I know I won't be prepared to experience the loss, I won't be prepared to feel it with my hands and feet, take it in with my eyes and ears, breath in the air that now comes at me all at once, rather than funneling through windows and walls. I'm scared. 

While I am there, I'll be working under the leadership of a fantastic organization called CRASH Japan to help equip churches to become safe houses and places of refuge or storage units of necessary supplies for their communities. This is a huge way for love to go forth and for help to go forth all at the same time. CRASH Japan is made up of many Japanese nationals, and I cannot wait to work alongside them to help their fellow Japanese. I have been following CRASH Japan's LOVE on JAPAN Campaign on Facebook, and the things they have been able to do just astonish me. The Japanese Government is certainly making progress in areas that are in need of rebuilding, and what CRASH has been able to do is cater to not only the physical needs, but the emotional well-being of those who have lost so much, if not everything. 

Much like the walk of Jesus' disciples feelings, I am feeling scared and excited to get over to Japan. It's going to be an adventure of faith, and I want nothing more for Christ to love on someone with my heart. I'll be planning to write here in this blog as much as possible while I am away, and keep everyone updated on what is going on with the team  I am a part of. I have so much to think about, and I wonder if there is really any way to be remotely prepared for what I will see, hear and experience while I am over there. To be fair, the many people I am sure I will meet, were not mentally and emotionally prepared to have their houses destroyed or have to leave for fear of a nuclear crisis, so maybe I don't have to be as prepared as I am trying? 

待っている時の勉強

I have had the privilege of spending my kind of boring thus far summer with one of my most favorite people in the world. David, in case you haven't met him, is my favorite person in the world. He's my 16 year-old brother full of phrases and quotes, silliness, and tons of facial expressions that'll have you on the floor laughing. He's a character. For David's birthday week, we had many of his favorite things, like Blenders in the Grass, Starbucks Strawberries and Cream Frapuccinos and even a homemade 3 layer cake. Yes, there are pictures of all of this!

Here is David with a Blender. 

The big pink one belongs to David. And all of our coffees have David's name on it because it's David's SWEET 16!

David's Birthday Dinner! 

Look at how happy he is!

Boi Got SHOOZE!

David's Beautiful cake.... before it was destructified.

16 Candles. Literally. :D

So yes, my weeks with David, the best brother ever, have been as eventful as these seven photos. Even though most of the time he is sitting down in a cozy chair talking to his other friends, who he says are pretty cool guys, or watching movies on his computer, for me, bothering David is a luxury I just don't get in college. And to be quite honest, I think I missed him a little while I was away in San Francisco. But all the mooshy things aside, David's cool. 

その前に

This week has flashed by very quickly and I've seen some of my plans for the summer change and some of them continue to remain the same. I cannot trust in the parts of the span of my life that are constant, and especially not the ones that fluctuate. But my oh my, I feel that now, the second I've opened my heart to being in Santa Barbara on my own terms, things have changed and I am, for once, okay with it.

I had planned on getting a job with Downtown Parking, and even got all dolled up for an interview this Wednesday, however, my supervisor-to-be somehow overlooked, up until I was sitting down in the office and my interview had started, my trip to Japan smack in the middle of July. I don't know how it passed his eyes, I even wrote big (for those of you who know me know that my handwriting is tiny!) for him so he wouldn't miss it at all. I was so sure I had this job in the bag, sadly, so was he. My interview lasted 45 seconds, 30 of those seconds consisted of him apologizing that he hadn't seen this earlier and I had come all the way down to the office for an interview.

I'm not upset with him, while I'm appalled he did not see that I had a trip planned, I can understand that having a new job that I would need to be trained in, and have to fill out paperwork for, would not leave me much time to actually work in the grande scheme of things. So I left the office with a smile, and headed home, wondering just how in the world I was going to be able to make some money this summer.

No more than 25 minutes later I was greeted by message from my favorite (and kind of only) boss who offered to rehire me at my old job. I was speechlessly dancing around in my empty house about it for at least five minutes. With things squared away, it appears I've got my old job back. Here's the catch - or what the catch was, it's not much of a catch any more - I was so set when I left San Francisco to expand my resume, and particularly steer clear of sales and retail jobs.

You can ask any sales person and they will tell you that depending on the environment you're in, your view of humanity becomes very bleak very quickly. Being surrounded by consumers who can see no further than two inches in front of their face and for the most part do not know what they want, can be daunting and frustrating, and lead salespeople to be terrible people. I know my thinking had to rework itself after I left my old job the first time, and I had to learn not to judge others all over again. Now that I'd thought I was getting so good at it, I've purposely placed myself back in a sales/retail environment.

But why? That was the question I asked myself an hour after accepting my boss's offer. On the surface, the first thing that I could think of was truly how grateful I was that she would offer to let me work over the summer. I honestly did not know what I was going to do when I was turned down by Downtown Parking, because if they turned me down, it wasn't likely that I would be able to get a job, be trained, do paperwork, and have anytime to work anywhere else either. So my first thought was certainly that it was a blessing, a privilege even, to be able to return to my old job.

On top of that, and after deeper thought I saw the connection to what I had read in the Bible that morning on the way to my interview. James 2 talks about being partial, and treating the man with a lot of money with more respect than the homeless man without clothes for himself. As someone having experience in sales/retail, I resonate with that. And I clearly remember thinking to myself, "This is why I'm going to get a job in the service industry and NOT in sales,  so I can serve anyone and not have to judge or think about what is in it for me yaddah ye...." Now looking back on it, I see that as a Christian, I can trust God to be able to serve others impartially, that I can trust God to love everyone and serve everyone and treat everyone with equality and respect. I don't have to be in an environment where that is encouraged to do it. I know I can't do it on my own, and that is why I was afraid to return to my job. I was afraid of the tension between salesperson and customer, of things falling off the edge and escalating into failure, but I don't have to fear that anymore. I am not my job, I am not a salesperson. I'm a Christian.

If only I'd realized this and allowed God to love through me earlier...like when I had this job the first time. My conforming to the world around me warped my perception of Santa Barbara even further, and I was not able to enjoy my work experience near the end of it. Now that I've finally come to the city with an open mind, I can see how the things that I once loathed or feared to return to are being redeemed right before my eyes. San Francisco is still more my speed, but I won't die here in Santa Barbara for 8 weeks. I'll be more than okay. Learning this lesson in choosing a summer job has shown me that sometimes things don't have to go as we plan them, and when they don't we can believe that it is because something even better is in the works for us.

This week was a little bit lighter of work as far as raising funds to go to Japan with Campus Crusade for Christ and CRASH Japan. There weren't as many letters to send, not many forms left to fill out, it's a time where I just had to sit and wait for people to open the mail. I can say humbly that God is wowing me this week, and that He is bringing support from places I had never expected. I had many reservations and doubts sending out letters to some people, thinking that they wouldn't want to hear this from me or that they wouldn't remember me, however, God has proven me wrong in almost all these doubts, not just through the support that has returned, but also through unexpected meetings with these people and being able to hear their hearts for Japan.

The world feels like it is shrinking and growing all at the same time. I am starting to see how not alone I am in this effort to share the love of Christ with those in Japan, to learn from them, work alongside them as they rebuild their nation, I could cry. It's the deepest honor to be able to be going to Japan this summer, and I feel as though I don't deserve it at all. But when is life in Christ ever about getting what we deserve? Despite my failure to trust, my failure to love, my failures galore, God has brought me to a place in the span of 3 months, that I feel I was born for. I think that I learned Japanese in high school for this reason. I think I met my friend Ami who introduced me to Japanese music for this reason. I think that  I met my friends from City Cru for this reason. All this to share the love of Christ, and I have come to know only the beginnings of the boundless love of Christ.

Another interesting thing happened this week, as my brother graduated from high school. I was nervous about going to the graduation, because another thing I had hated about Santa Barbara was how alienated I had felt by my high school being the only one who didn't go to college right after high school. But it was my brother's day, I wasn't about to let my anxiety keep me from going. The ceremony was lovely and all the kids have grown up so much. It had been a really long time since I'd seen them, and many of the faculty and staff, and I wasn't really sure what was going to happen. I got a lot of questions about where I was at, what I was doing, and once I realized that my answer was no longer, "I don't know" I felt as though my nervousness lifted just in time for me to talk about the great experiences I've had in my semester at SFSU. Since everyone wanted to know what the heck I was doing with my life, it was like a cycle of nervousness as they posed the question, and emerging from it with an answer.

I think back to the time I saw a baptism at Reality San Francisco where a girl applied to go to a university and they did not accept her, and how she would have been crushed, but she wasn't because school did not define her, Christ did. I feel like that right now. Without Jesus, I know I'd be so broken up writing something completely different filled with negative emotions and sadness, and a call for solitude. But thank God He watches over me and He is all I need, and is the constant that I can trust. He defines my life and is integral in it. While I was glad to finally say I was in college and enjoying every second of it, when it all comes down to it, being in college doesn't matter to me any more. That nervousness was the residue of my old self trying to attach back to me from the past. But I won't let it. I won't let my pride make  me into an insecure person again.

In this whole week, life has become what it was before I left for San Francisco, but I am different. I had the expectations of coming back to Santa Barbara and changing the scenery for myself in order to accommodate my different identity, but God had better plans in the work. I have been plunged into the life that I threw behind me maybe with a kick and shout, some not nice name-calling, and a sigh of relief as I rushed to San Francisco. Everything from my job to my room, my house, the people I will see every day, it's all the same. But I am different. Being here does not define me, being in college or not does not capture what I am worth. Having a job in sales does not determine what is true about me. My identity is hidden in Christ now. And I am trusting that my life here in Santa Barbara has not changed so that God can prove to me just that.