私達の罪と神様の愛

And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished, as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us - Romans 8:4b


Every week I've been going to Campus Crusade's D-Lab on campus with some friends of mine and tonight we talked about sin and redemption. The latter half of Romans 8:4 stood out to me so much, it just kind of resonated with my life. I have the feeling that I want to tell the story of how Jesus showed me His perfect love, when I hear the words in that verse. 


All my life, I found it so hard to truly grasp the meaning of Jesus' redemption, and the fact that He has forgiven me of my sins. I couldn't understand this because my life hadn't been transformed by the love of God yet. I found myself in a vicious cycle, for years, of feeling empty, falling into sin, asking God to forgive me, and feeling empty again. I knew something was wrong, because isn't it supposed to be that when I'm a Christian, I don't feel that gnawing emptiness? I knew something was wrong, I didn't know how to fix it. So I went through life, as a Christian girl, experiencing different highs from the Lord, what I call "the Hand of God on my life", but I was missing out on "the Heart of God". 


I  thought I started to realize that the love of God had to be deeper than I knew when I became interested in serving Him in Japan. But I hadn't seen anything even then. I would have to say that understanding the grace of God didn't happen to me until a few months ago. Wild, isn't it? My best friend who I'm in love with, and I had been dating for about a year and a half, and as believers, we were striving to be what some would call a "good Christian young couple". We had our rules and regulations with each other. We made all of these promises to each other, ourselves, the Lord, we said, "We're going to do this right." We thought we were so mature for taking that step. We didn't understand anything then... We found our relationship failing, from the smallest things to even bigger things that wound up as unforgettable regrets, all the while striving to be good, all the while having the best of intentions. 


And while all of this was going on, I could feel a pull in my heart from the Lord, and I know he could too. Things turned around for us one night at a college youth group at our church. We were running late, we had just ate the hugest burritos ever, and at least I was just ready to crash for the night. But thank God we went to youth group that night. The speaker shared with us about his time doing missions across the world, and his experiences with trusting God and just how God took such good care of him as he cared for others. By the end of his speech, my stomach was in knots. It was so much so, because I didn't understand... what would possess a man to leave everything, and with no money, not knowing where he'd sleep next, go and care for orphans in Thailand, and pray for healing of disease in Indonesia? 


I looked at my best friend whom I love, and could see he was feeling the same thing too. We didn't know God any more. We thought we did, but we didn't. We were, just as the verse calls it, "redoubling our efforts" to reach the Lord. But God was right in front of us, the whole time.  At that moment, I felt like I was understanding what the true meaning of love was. I could look in to the eyes of my best friend whom I love and see the miracles that God had placed in our lives. Besides each other, He preserved our relationship, and when we asked Him to forgive us and hold us in His hands, He did without fail. We just did not see it, as it was happening. And how undeserving we were of the grace of God. 


When we first started dating, and realized that things were serious between us, we made all of these plans, to live in a nice loft in the city and to both have good jobs (which, when I didn't get started on college as quickly as he did made me lose sleep at night), and make a lot of money, and never be in debt like our parents, and not have kids so quickly, and the list goes on and on of things that were good, but just self-centered. We were so caught up in our wants and desires we made those things the basis of our relationship. And countless times I could look under us and see that foundation crumbling. That night, at the college group, the foundation was rebuilt with Christ. And there we were, two kids, with an insatiable longing for God. We didn't need each other to be happy, we didn't need money, we didn't need the perfect lives. We just wanted Jesus. 

From there, we had to make a decision, not to just be good, to follow rules, to try any more to attain righteousness or be the perfect Christian couple. We had to decide (simply, it seems now) to choose Jesus. We had to choose Jesus as the first and most important person in our lives. We had to choose to love Jesus more than we loved each other. I’ve never felt in my life repentance so real. This decision did not just save my relationship, it saved my very life. 

I am so overwhelmed by the love and grace of God, I know I am completely different person than I was before. Every day Jesus teaches me something new and wonderful about following Him. His love for me, I know, is deeper than any love I could receive from anyone else, and so He wins my whole heart. And following Jesus can be scary. I thought once my best friend and were on the same page that we just wanted to serve Jesus together, we were good. My best friend shared with me how God gave him a heart to give to the needy everything he had. I was so encouraged that we were both being led by the Lord to serve. Then I had to ask myself what would happen if we had to part ways and serve God without each other, would we do it? If God asked us to?  I answer with 2John 1:6, it says [paraphrased] - This is true love, to follow Jesus. 

I know I'm speaking a lot about my relationship, but I want to express that this transformation has been just as much if not more individual as well. I can say without a doubt, Jesus is my happiness, and even though I will probably never know everything, that's okay. That's a part of being a Christian, I think, just following Jesus, when it's scary, and when it's fun. In essence, I have learned something that I couldn't understand for so long in my life:


That there is nothing I could do to deserve the love of Christ, but He wanted me. 

Jesus has shown me this in so many ways, mainly be giving His life for me, and it just makes me head over heels for Him. I just don't know how else to say that living a Godly life doesn't come from always doing things right, it comes from experiencing Jesus. When you have experienced Jesus, you'll know it, because everything around you changes drastically, and you're just never the same. Now that I've experienced Christ, I don't feel this obligation to resist sin, I want to resist sin because I would hate for anything to get in the way of my relationship with Christ. But I know that even when I do miss the mark, Jesus is waiting right there for me, with arms wide open, redemption in both hands. 

主イエスは私の幸せなんです。The Lord Jesus is my Happiness. 

雨に泣いていた。♥

It's a lovely Saturday evening, and I've just arrived back home from a fun little excursion out to a place known as Taraval street. I sought out a sweet little coffee shop called Greenhouse Cafe  a few blocks down from the bus stop. Greenhouse spoke to my expectations quite well. As it was pouring rain, I couldn't get get the mental picture out of my mind of me sitting with a hot beverage cradled in my hands, perched on a cozy stool or chair, gazing out the window into the city. From the moment I walked in, I knew this would be a place I'd be coming back to often.

There's a great selection of specialty hot and cool drinks,
 jars upon countless jars of loose leaf tea, and french press coffee always. 

Greenhouse reminds me of a little forest, with beautiful wooded fixtures, flowers, and artwork hung up on the walls. It's a nature-y play on a modern coffee house. It has a comfortable atmosphere, and free wifi! But on a more personal note, what isn't to love about a myriad of specialty drinks, some which I've never even heard of like Authentic Hong Kong Milk Tea or a Korean Citron, and of course, what I'm crazy about right now, the Mexican Hot Chocolate.

Mexican Hot Chocolate. yum

 I ordered that Mexican Hot Chocolate, of course, and a cucumber and herb cream cheese sandwich. While it's not the most dainty looking of sandwiches, it was quite satisfying, I actually couldn't finish it all. All of Greenhouse's sandwiches are prepared on a multigrain wheat or wheat sourdough. The sweetness of the bread with the crisp cucumber and savory cream cheese made for the perfect afternoon lunch.

Beyond the food, the atmosphere of Greenhouse cafe was spot on to my liking, with renditions of the classics  "They Can't Take That Away"  and "The Way You Look Tonight", sent me off into a whimsical state of thought, like I was in some kind of indie film, or a coffee shop in San Francisco. 

The second half of my excursion, was shopping for food to last me all the way to April.  I think it was successful, there was much spending, a little bit of price shock, a little bit of crying, and lots of walking in the rain with paper bags (much to my disappointment, not everything could fit in my Equatrade and Care bag). I had a hard time with spending $90.00 in one sitting, especially since the money isn't mine, but when the food went in my fridge and freezer and in the pantry, it made a lot more sense that I wouldn't be wanting for quite some time, and probably into the month of April as planned. Oh being a college student has it's great times and challenging times, but life is full of these things, and that is why life is beautiful. 

I was actually reading 1John this afternoon with my Mexican Hot Chocolate and Cucumber Sandwich. I am taking 1John really slowly, because to be honest I'm not sure if I understand it completely, or if it's just my translation that's tripping me up ( I have a Bible that's translated for Japanese, and so it's a play on the New King James, but has some different word choices.) but the fourth chapter's second half really stood out to me. 

The chapter talks about loving others, and how when we are loving toward each other, we know God, and when we know God, we know true love. It's just a complete full circle, that reminded me a lot of the serious relationship I'm in right now. It's a long story, that I'll save for another time, but I'm so happy to be in a Godly relationship with a young man who loves the Lord more than he loves me. 

What also came to my mind, though, is that even though in 1John, it makes the act of loving someone else seem easy, Jesus asks in one of the gospels, "What good is it to love your friends and hate your enemies?" Yipes! It's easy to love my boyfriend, it's easy to love my friends and my family, but what about the people I don't get along with? Food for thought, definitely. 

And lastly, because this is getting so long~ 

Earlier this week, I stumbled upon something that made me laugh - because I know this post is getting worse and worse as I continue, but I can't pass up this encouraging message from a childhood friend: 

... ain't it the truth.

金曜日

"Stormy weather, since my man and I... ain't together. Keeps rainin' all the time"
Billie Holiday 

私達の赤い糸 ♥

On Valentines Day this year, Curtis and I weren't able to spend the day together, since I'm in San Francisco, and he's in Seattle. But he was so kind as to send a bouquet of flowers to my door. :)

He even wrote me a sweet little card with the required limit of 100 characters or something like that haha.
The place he got the bouquet from is a local shop called Yoko's, which I found, very fitting to my personality. 

There are so many kinds of flowers, but two of my favourites, Daisies and Roses. 

My mom say's he's a keeper. I think she's right.

分からないけど、まだ行く。

Ballet is turning out to be a lot more fun than I had thought. I think I'm in the middle group, who has never danced ballet before but isn't too bad at it, and has a good body for it. But today, we were doing exercises on the bar and my professor came up to me and said, "This looks beautiful!" She fixed my arms and ankle a little and continued, "It's a shame you didn't do this as a child. You would have been...a star!" Now, my professor has this beautiful and dramatic way of talking like she were constantly in a movie. When she said this to me, I kind of nodded my head, I think my countenance fell a bit though.

Compliments can hurt, I'm finding out. Why didn't I get put in a classic school to learn dance and music and be a star for a little bit of my childhood? Why did I let such amazing potential go to waste? I was starting to feel a little upset in the class. At the same time, the more immediate feeling was satisfaction that I was doing above average in the class, so I gave the next few exercises my best. Professor Diamond walked by me again, "This is beautiful, Danielle!" 

Once we moved away from the bar to do some floor work, she pulled me aside while everyone was congregating and asked me if I really had never done ballet before. I told her I hadn't and she asked my age and major following. Once I answered she said to me, the words that after class I forgot first - my mistake. 

"Well, I just want to encourage you to keep doing this, even if it is for fun. You should've seen yourself back there (on the bar), you have the perfect body for dance and it just wants to keep going. You know that? I hope you keep dancing for the rest of your life, because you can." 

I thanked her countless times while she spoke, a little pink because everyone was staring at me. In this instance I wished Ballet could be more like Communications, where everyone knows each others names and gets along. Once class was over, I was so overwhelmed by emotion, I grabbed my things, got dressed and walked quickly as I could out of the studio. 

My eyes were welling up with tears, because all I could think about  was my disappointment in myself for not pursuing my talents. Not just dance, piano, guitar, bass guitar, drums, singing, and maybe I could have even worked harder at Japanese. I could have done this or that as a child, I could have been born in a different country for all I cared, and been bilingual by now, there was so much regret in my soul. 

I took it up in prayer and this is what I have learned. Not all is lost, and I'm not a complete failure. In fact, like Professor Diamond said, I'm lucky I am almost 20 and can still dance well. I ought to enjoy it while I can, in the ways that are presented to me now, rather than worry about the past.  Because no one dances forever. I asked God, "Why did You give me a talent that I can't do anything with at this age?" 

What I think is that God sometimes gives us small gifts that we don't understand in order to show us that we don't yet understand the fullness of His love for us. I think I can dance well, but I enjoy it. It's an outlet that I find fun, and I feel happy when I dance. I think it's a gift God gave me that makes me happy when I can do it, and that's all. And that is not a bad thing at all. It shows that sometimes God can give us talents for the simple sake of enjoying our life that He has let us live.

Now what Professor Diamond said to me in class is so encouraging, as it was always intended to be. I just had to take a moment to understand it. 

Knowing this, I don't feel regretful over the fact that my childhood didn't cultivate my talents in dance, music, or that I'm not already bilingual. I feel more ready to take on the opportunities that present themselves to me right now, and to enjoy the gifts that I've been given. If I can have a profession using these gifts, so be it, if I just enjoy them, so be it. What caught me off guard, but in a way, always elates me, is knowing that I will probably never truly know the fullness of the love of God. The fact that I can dance, for fun, and do it well, and experience happiness from that, shows that God gives us even the smallest things to show us His love. He doesn't leave out any details. He's the best Dad. 

夏休みに何するつもりですか？

Today is my awesome pen pal's 65th birthday.  Hitoshi-san, Tanjoubi Omedetou Gozaimasu.

It's nearing the end of the third week of school. So far, so good. Classes are great, I've made some great friends, and I finally have a light bulb for my desk lamp - so I'm all moved in and officially adjusted to life here at San Francisco State.

I don't think I've shared that light bulb story - basically I bought a desk lamp at Target because at night, well, it gets dark, and I can't study. So I bought the light maybe on the second or third day of school, and it was in a box, and I just assumed there would be a light bulb in the lamp. What did I learn - Never. Assume. Anything. Especially when it's only $8.99 at Target. Yikes! I guess I really did "expect more (than I should have), and pay less".

This Tuesday, I was walking back to the apartment on campus and I just kind of looked around me for a moment and stopped. I think that it finally hit me that I'm here, where I've wanted to be since 2009, in college, preparing for the rest of life, studying Japanese, doing what is important. I think that having all these beautiful thoughts rush through my mind brought some kind of stupid smile to my face. I just wanted to tell someone right then and there what I hadn't even had the strength or calmness of heart to do when I first moved on campus, "YOU GUYS! I'M IN COLLEGE!!" Getting here was difficult, down to the day of moving in- but I'm here, and I'm so glad that God came through for me, it's insane, I just can't believe I'm really here. So what next? Here I am so excited to be going to school, what do I do with all this joy? ... I don't know. Here's to hoping it rubs off on someone else.

Essay? What Essay. :)

While I could not hold up my promise to myself not to eat delicious pizza at 2 in the morning, I could hold up my promise to myself to finish my homework before updating my blog. In case any one was counting, yes, it took me all weekend to do my homework (and I'm not saying that to complain, I'm simply pointing out the inevitable - that I am a lazy lady).

The highlight of my week had to be receiving not one but two care packages in the mail. One I got from my good friend Leanna, she sent me some make up I ordered and lots of fun things including a very sweet post it wishing me luck on my first semester. The second was a BIG box from none other than  the wonderful Alissa~ she sent me many great things from Trader Joe's (somehow we always ended up talking about how I need to try more things from Trader Joe's, which resulted in her just giving me Trader Joe's items one night at a party at her house lol) to make pad thai and stir fry, fabulous white chai candles, more soap (and I was running out of the Honey I Washed the Kids soap from Lush - she can read my mind!), and the cutest of cards along with an assortment of tootsie rolls. Needless to say, I am quite the content bean, enjoying her General Tsao.

The rest of the week honestly went by so quickly, I was rather surprised. It's only the second week of the semester and things are surely starting to pick up in my studies. In fact, they were picking up so much in my Japanese class I had to pay a visit to my advisor this week to talk about completing the courses for my major.

It got me thinking about what in the world I plan on doing with my degree in Japanese? At this point, I'm thinking like a freshman girl, I just want to go to Japan and offer my time, talent, and treasure to help people, in any way that I can. But I will not deny that I am also very passionate about music. I can see these two things working well together, but neither of them paying bills.
Back in high school I had a good friend who told me, "I want to be a music major, but I'll just be poor and stupid in the end, so I'm going to study computers." I thought she was silly to give up on her passion so quickly, and now I'm finding that I'm in a similar train of thought. Now, let's not forget, a Japanese major can take a person far, especially in today's world, and for now that's good enough for me. My ideal career as of right now, would be a full time volunteer, musician, maybe I'll get an office job.

As long as I can go back to Japan, home.

Today was grand, as most Sundays are here in San Francisco. I'm starting to find that while I am enjoying my classes as thoroughly as possible, church is probably the one thing I look forward to most in my week. Being at church, and with Jesus, is definitely one of those things that when I can only go once a week, or no more than three times a week (including Bible studies), I realize just how much I've taken it for granted. It's always encouraging and uplifting to be with the family of God and to pray and learn each week. I love it.

I'm also happy to have so many friends to go to church with and to talk about the Bible with as well. This week I was accompanied by a big group of City Cru kids, and we all jumped on the train to Reality. After the service I was able to enjoy lunch with a girl named Emily who I met in my freshman girls Bible study group. She had found a place that honestly felt tucked away called Dolores Park. Just a few blocks off of Market St, right across from the International High School of San Francisco, there's this lovely park, a pair of green hills with tennis courts next to them and trees dotted around. Since it was a beautiful sunny day (and warmer than usual, a stunning 77 degrees), there were masses of people out enjoying picnics and taking in the warmth.

Emily and I found sandwiches at the Dolores Park Cafe just across the street from the lovely green site. The shop is small, but busy and full to capacity in the afternoons. To me, it resembled a kind of South Coast Deli, similar vibe and all.  I enjoyed a turkey sandwich with swiss cheese and so many other ingredients it was hard to tell what was what, but it was nothing short of delicious. We both had lemonades, fresh squeezed and absolutely perfect for the weather.

And then after taking the fun, fun M-line train home, it was time to get to that essay. Essay? What Essay? Oh right, the essay I'd been putting off since Friday. I'll just leave it at that.