分からないけど、まだ行く。

Ballet is turning out to be a lot more fun than I had thought. I think I'm in the middle group, who has never danced ballet before but isn't too bad at it, and has a good body for it. But today, we were doing exercises on the bar and my professor came up to me and said, "This looks beautiful!" She fixed my arms and ankle a little and continued, "It's a shame you didn't do this as a child. You would have been...a star!" Now, my professor has this beautiful and dramatic way of talking like she were constantly in a movie. When she said this to me, I kind of nodded my head, I think my countenance fell a bit though.

Compliments can hurt, I'm finding out. Why didn't I get put in a classic school to learn dance and music and be a star for a little bit of my childhood? Why did I let such amazing potential go to waste? I was starting to feel a little upset in the class. At the same time, the more immediate feeling was satisfaction that I was doing above average in the class, so I gave the next few exercises my best. Professor Diamond walked by me again, "This is beautiful, Danielle!" 

Once we moved away from the bar to do some floor work, she pulled me aside while everyone was congregating and asked me if I really had never done ballet before. I told her I hadn't and she asked my age and major following. Once I answered she said to me, the words that after class I forgot first - my mistake. 

"Well, I just want to encourage you to keep doing this, even if it is for fun. You should've seen yourself back there (on the bar), you have the perfect body for dance and it just wants to keep going. You know that? I hope you keep dancing for the rest of your life, because you can." 

I thanked her countless times while she spoke, a little pink because everyone was staring at me. In this instance I wished Ballet could be more like Communications, where everyone knows each others names and gets along. Once class was over, I was so overwhelmed by emotion, I grabbed my things, got dressed and walked quickly as I could out of the studio. 

My eyes were welling up with tears, because all I could think about  was my disappointment in myself for not pursuing my talents. Not just dance, piano, guitar, bass guitar, drums, singing, and maybe I could have even worked harder at Japanese. I could have done this or that as a child, I could have been born in a different country for all I cared, and been bilingual by now, there was so much regret in my soul. 

I took it up in prayer and this is what I have learned. Not all is lost, and I'm not a complete failure. In fact, like Professor Diamond said, I'm lucky I am almost 20 and can still dance well. I ought to enjoy it while I can, in the ways that are presented to me now, rather than worry about the past.  Because no one dances forever. I asked God, "Why did You give me a talent that I can't do anything with at this age?" 

What I think is that God sometimes gives us small gifts that we don't understand in order to show us that we don't yet understand the fullness of His love for us. I think I can dance well, but I enjoy it. It's an outlet that I find fun, and I feel happy when I dance. I think it's a gift God gave me that makes me happy when I can do it, and that's all. And that is not a bad thing at all. It shows that sometimes God can give us talents for the simple sake of enjoying our life that He has let us live.

Now what Professor Diamond said to me in class is so encouraging, as it was always intended to be. I just had to take a moment to understand it. 

Knowing this, I don't feel regretful over the fact that my childhood didn't cultivate my talents in dance, music, or that I'm not already bilingual. I feel more ready to take on the opportunities that present themselves to me right now, and to enjoy the gifts that I've been given. If I can have a profession using these gifts, so be it, if I just enjoy them, so be it. What caught me off guard, but in a way, always elates me, is knowing that I will probably never truly know the fullness of the love of God. The fact that I can dance, for fun, and do it well, and experience happiness from that, shows that God gives us even the smallest things to show us His love. He doesn't leave out any details. He's the best Dad.