Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be.
It's been almost a week, well, it'll be a week that I've been back in the United States on Wednesday, but in this small amount of time I've managed to catch a cold and become sick of sitting in my house, start work again, and of course have some sort of epiphany. I worry sometimes that I think about things so deeply so often, when it may not even be as deep as I think haha. Maybe I just have a small mind, which could definitely be true. And that's not a bad thing - I'm feeble and merely human, I could not possibly require a certain mental capacity of myself.
When I was flying home from Japan, the plane flew right over the city of San Francisco. SF has been in my heart since I got home. I miss all my friends from City Cru, I miss the city, I miss just the sense of urgency of living missionaly every single day. I thought that it was over when I left Japan, then God flew me over the city and filled my heart with love for ever neat little row of houses, the big city, the bright red bridge, and the cloud hovering over SFSU. August, please do come quickly.
I felt so useless and helpless coming home, and depressed because there was no one around me who had shared in the experience of going to Japan and loving on the people there, and not many wanted to listen to every single minute of my three weeks there. I knew it would be this way, but nothing could prepare me for it. But today grace was with me. I walked into work and was able to talk to one of my coworkers, who isn't a believer in Jesus, but has a heart for Japan. He was so encouraged that even the gifts of love that are being given from around the world to Japan are making a huge impact in the areas affected by the earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear crisis. I was glad to give him that news.
I am excited to start school again, and begin studying music alongside my Japanese and dance. God has certainly turned my heart back that way. I was feeling rather distant in my relationship with God, simply because I felt I had no words to say (unbelievable you say, I couldn't agree more!!). I was sitting down with my boyfriend listening to his church's band, and I wanted to cry listening to the music. It's the way in which my heart connects with the gospel and understands it. I remember my first Sunday in San Francisco at Reality, singing songs with titles I've long forgotten, but hearing the words spill out of my mouth and feel my heart beat fast like it does when I speak to someone in Japanese and understand their reply to me. My heart understands the gospel in song. My heart understands joy and words that have for years been empty to me, growing up in church, when they are sung and composed beautifully. And just about anything is beautiful to me. I'm not hard to please.
I am just happy. I feel like I'm emerging from a dark, self centered place, and I'm ready to give all of my self to whatever God would put in front of me next.
It's been almost a week, well, it'll be a week that I've been back in the United States on Wednesday, but in this small amount of time I've managed to catch a cold and become sick of sitting in my house, start work again, and of course have some sort of epiphany. I worry sometimes that I think about things so deeply so often, when it may not even be as deep as I think haha. Maybe I just have a small mind, which could definitely be true. And that's not a bad thing - I'm feeble and merely human, I could not possibly require a certain mental capacity of myself.
When I was flying home from Japan, the plane flew right over the city of San Francisco. SF has been in my heart since I got home. I miss all my friends from City Cru, I miss the city, I miss just the sense of urgency of living missionaly every single day. I thought that it was over when I left Japan, then God flew me over the city and filled my heart with love for ever neat little row of houses, the big city, the bright red bridge, and the cloud hovering over SFSU. August, please do come quickly.
I felt so useless and helpless coming home, and depressed because there was no one around me who had shared in the experience of going to Japan and loving on the people there, and not many wanted to listen to every single minute of my three weeks there. I knew it would be this way, but nothing could prepare me for it. But today grace was with me. I walked into work and was able to talk to one of my coworkers, who isn't a believer in Jesus, but has a heart for Japan. He was so encouraged that even the gifts of love that are being given from around the world to Japan are making a huge impact in the areas affected by the earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear crisis. I was glad to give him that news.
I am excited to start school again, and begin studying music alongside my Japanese and dance. God has certainly turned my heart back that way. I was feeling rather distant in my relationship with God, simply because I felt I had no words to say (unbelievable you say, I couldn't agree more!!). I was sitting down with my boyfriend listening to his church's band, and I wanted to cry listening to the music. It's the way in which my heart connects with the gospel and understands it. I remember my first Sunday in San Francisco at Reality, singing songs with titles I've long forgotten, but hearing the words spill out of my mouth and feel my heart beat fast like it does when I speak to someone in Japanese and understand their reply to me. My heart understands the gospel in song. My heart understands joy and words that have for years been empty to me, growing up in church, when they are sung and composed beautifully. And just about anything is beautiful to me. I'm not hard to please.
I am just happy. I feel like I'm emerging from a dark, self centered place, and I'm ready to give all of my self to whatever God would put in front of me next.
No comments:
Post a Comment