本当に友達できた。

These things have got to stop - late night cravings for high calorie foods and working on this blog more than working on my homework. Anyways.

I was invited to a Bible study tonight that was absolute fun! I had dinner with a bunch of fun and Jesus-crazy kids who have class and homework, roommates and reservations about the cafeteria, aspirations and goals, just like me. Getting together with them, felt like getting together with a family, even if we'd only known each other for about 2 days, it was the most comfortable I've been since I got here.

Best of all, I was reminded that God never leaves out any details when I walk with Him, and I don't have any reasons to worry. At the beginning of this semester, one very short week ago, I realized that faith was something that had, over the year and a half I'd been working, become more and more important to me. It truly became a part of my heart and something that I have chosen to nurture in my life.

Coming to SFSU, I don't know what possessed me to completely forget that maybe I'd like to have a good group of Christian friends around me, or a Bible study to go to, or some place other than church to worship. Perhaps it was just that I was so busy, or so anxious about other things that have long been resolved... mainly my admission of course. I'm just feeling so lucky to have completely forgotten about the most important thing to me and to find myself, one short week after starting school, surrounded by almost 50 people who I can talk to, and who understand my faith as their own.

In my English class we have been talking over free speech, and when we first got started on it, I realized there was a lot I felt like I couldn't say anywhere about my faith, or no one to converse with about it in a comfortable setting. That was what got me thinking, and really my mere thinking must have been some kind of prayer to God. And here, I've found myself, after tonight, with an answer to a prayer I don't even remember praying. Awesome.

This is more than icing on the cake for me. Not only am I at a school where I can study freely, now I can worship with others freely, and have people to talk to. I already feel far more open about who I am in Christ, and I want to talk about it a lot more. This is certainly the start  of something great, that I know for sure if I know nothing else. 

道に迷うになって、これを見つけた。

I got lost on Mission street this afternoon looking for SF DanceWear, and on the way found this funny construction. There is something peculiarly wonderful about being lost in a big city of art and wonder.

マルコ１０

Sunday.

It's my second Sunday here in San Francisco, and today was nothing less than wonderful. I woke up to the sound of heavy rain and sharp winds, and smooth grey light. I hopped on the train right across the street from campus and headed out into town. Public transportation has never felt more convenient, and from the moment I stepped onto the subway I felt at ease. I was worried that one way or another, I'd get myself lost in this big city, but everything is pretty much spelled out, at least while riding the train, to where that'd be a little bit hard to do. Once I was done worrying over that,  I did find myself a little nervous to be going back to Reality in San Francisco, even though I'd visited just six short months ago.

Reality in San Francisco is at the Swedish American Hall out in the Castro district of SF. The building is quaint and darling, with low light. It hold the air of what a person once mentioned to me, " A real church." Of course they'd put their foot in their mouth not too shortly after. My apprehension in returning was mostly that I, being one who at first can be very shy (and who isn't?) would walk in alone and walk out alone, having enjoyed the sermon no less. I was fortunate to run into almost all of the friends I'd made six months ago when I visited the first time. It was wonderful to see them again, and be introduced to all of their friends. Now I feel like I have millions of potential friendships at this church, and I am looking forward to going again. 

The teaching today was intense, as it usually is at Reality. We discussed God's view of divorce and marriage. Being unmarried, at first, I did wonder if this topic had anything to offer me besides the knowledge of how God feels on the particular subject. What I understood in the end, was that marriage isn't about our personal happiness. It's something far bigger than that, and something that I won't be able to explain for a long time, I think. When I try to express the emotion and thought that goes into the deep sanctity of marriage all that comes to mind is Jesus' words, "What God has joined together, let no man separate." I'm going to let this truth sit in my mind for a while, and try to understand it more. 

After church was over I jumped on the train again, and headed further into downtown to buy my required attire for Ballet class. I stopped at SF Dance wear down on Mission, a cute little store that had walls reminding me of BIG5 but full of yoga-like clothing, and of course, every ballet and dance essential you could think of.  All I needed was a leotard, pink tights, and pink shoes, and some leg warmers for my comfort. The tights and leg warmers were easy to find, but when it came to the leotard and shoes I knew I was going to need some help. The staff in the store was already swamped with 10 year-old girls trying on pointe shoes. They just stared at me awkwardly as I poke through the leotards, trying to find one that I thought was my size. I'm lucky I have some sort of common sense to find my own size of leotard with out help, otherwise I would be here, with a big problem. 

The shoes, I finally worked up the courage to ask the lady at the register if she'd help me find them. It turned out she is going to State her self and knew my instructor (did this automatically include a discount for me? No, unfortunately haha.), so it was nice to find some common ground with someone in the sea of middle aged men, monster parents and their teeny brats that just seared me like ahi tuna with their beady little eyes. But never mind the uncomfortable experience. I am officially a ballerina!

See?

That's about as official as it will get, everyone. 

After that, I searched for food. The funny thing about Market St., on a Sunday, is that even Peet's Coffee can be closed. In Santa Barbara, this is almost unheard of. So my endeavors to find sushi (yes I had sushi on the brain!!) failed miserably as places mostly open only Monday thru Friday. This was much to my dismay after being disappointed four times, I was ready to just go home. But on my way to the station I passed by a cute little coffee shop on the corner called Bread and Cocoa. I stepped inside to be invited warmly by a young lady who seemed in charge of the place. The establishment reminds of me a cuter South Coast Deli, with lots of tin and wood in the fixtures and furniture. There was a full espresso bar, where the espresso is made to order in "the way of Napoli" and a magnificent selection of sandwiches, soups, salads, and of course, cocoa. 

I couldn't resist the nice ring to the words "chocolate chai", which I paired with a tuna melt. One way or another, I would have tuna. My first sip of the soy chocolate chai sent me back a good month and a half into Christmas, which tones of masala, sweet vanilla, spicy clove, all smoothed over by dark chocolate ganache. Yes, it was delicious. The tuna melt was made with slices of tuna, chopped and mixed with a light mayo and slathered over havarti cheese. Everything was magnificent, from the service to the food, and even a pretty decent price for the generous portions of food. I'd love to go back again very soon. 

 

And then it was time to return home. One thing I love about the M line is how quickly I can get from downtown to State. It must've been no more than at fifteen-minute ride. The rest of my day will be enjoyed doing homework, which I have a lot of. Truly, I am loving life up here.

インスタント

These past few days have grown longer and longer. I'm adjusting to the ways of being a student again, it almost feels like I've fallen backwards in time about two years. Homework has become a new favorite thing, as well as the little black cappuccino machine in the cafeteria. The food is starting not to taste that bad, and hunger is coming more easily every few hours. 

I have officially attended all of my classes as of last night. I went to a three hour communications course. The one course I was kind of dreading. As expected, I walked into the room, sat down in a seat and no one looked at each other, there were a few people talking to each other, but like every other class I've been to, it was just silence. The teacher was late, and when she walked in, the first thing I noticed about her was that she had gorgeous tattoos all over. I guess you could say, in a high-schooler term, she won my respect then. As I had kind of expected, we did all get up in a circle, hold hands, and play the name game. I thought to myself maybe this class will be a lot easier than I think, but it couldn't possibly so, it's college after all. But three hours passed quickly, and now I know everyone in my class. Why can't all college classes be like that? 

In Japanese the other day, I made friends with a girl named Tiffany, she poked me with a few questions throughout class, and when she introduced herself I was rather grateful. Intensive Study of Kanji is split up into three groups by three level based on difficulty. I chose to start off in level one, because while my Japanese is great, my knowledge of Kanji needs work. Of course, I should've known this would put me in a small group (as it's spring semester), and a small group of first year Japanese students no less. So there I was in a group of about five, with three very loud, kind of nasally, Japanese-spewing children, Tiffany, and myself. It should be an interesting class, as should study groups. 

Now, let's get this straight, I have no opposition in learning alongside an otaku-type student. But being a serious student myself, that's all I require of them. It's easy to look and judge quickly and say they probably won't be Japanese majors long, but I could be wrong. In fact, I'm willing to bet on being wrong. 

The girls that I'm rooming with have mentioned some of the activities they do over the weekend. Seeing as I haven't made that many friends, or really and lasting friends in classes, I'll probably be hanging out with them. This weekend should prove interesting, because while a few activities have been thrown in the air, we have yet to grab one and say, "We're doing this." 

SF State is having a dance, which I've heard from my sophomore friends is rather "junior". Hearing this wasn't exactly the best, because I know that if I decide I want to go, at this point, I'll be going alone... oh and it's tonight. Oops. 

I guess, the glamour of finally getting my education isn't wearing, but studying can't possibly everything. I wish I could just say that it is, that's what I want to do, and not worry about social living or sleep or any of the petty things that are included in the college experience. As a human being, I wonder, why do we always have to ask for more? We're selfish and terrible creatures. I don't want to ask for more, but my soul says it wants friendship, it wants satisfaction of the familiar. The familiar food, the familiar faces, definitely not he familiar place (Oh San Francisco, how good you've been), familiar feelings and affections. 

Yes, Curtis, I miss him more than I thought I would,  being removed from our stomping grounds and all. 

Though I feel this, I don't want to admit I do. I'd rather sit here, and battle within myself to remain and be optimistic. 

I'll set out in this ocean in the fog, where I can't see a thing, a little while longer, my soul's desires will have to wait. And they will wait, as long as I say. 

見える時

While I absolutely love having a kitchen in my new apartment here at school, for obvious reasons, I have to  have a meal plan for my first year. The meal plan by itself is an expensive little item, so my use of the kitchen for extra doesn't make much sense, as much as I love to cook and create foods I enjoy. 

The first day of class I couldn't bring myself to go to the cafeteria. It's been quite some time, again, since I've been to school, let alone a dining center. I finally worked up the courage today, after avoiding it as much as I could and still get food with my meal plan (otherwise known as "free food" to me. Yum.), and walked into the DC for lunch. I'm not sure if it was the fact that the place was about to close for the afternoon, or if it's always this way - I felt quite depressed. Everyone was sitting in groups no bigger than three, but a lot of people were sitting alone, and proceeding to, even after I sat down. I had a salad. 

I poked at my beets and kind of wondered how in the world people work up the courage to make friends around here. Something to consider, of course, it IS Spring Semester. Everyone's who is going to make friends has already done so. While this is completely true, I never expected not to be acknowledged as the girl sitting by herself, let alone being one of the many "girls sitting by themselves". 

Like most things I'm not used to, practice will make perfect. It was an odd ten minutes of life. 

Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees... it's the only way you'll get on your feet.

Being alone, in college, is something that I realize I have never understood until now. When my best friend and love were separated from each other as he went off to his first year of college, he tried to explain to me just the feeling I am understanding now. When I wasn't with him, I had my family to look to, but he had no one. Realizing that feeling, and becoming familiar with it, in a place where nothing else is familiar, opened a dark hole that I crawled into. However, this didn't last long. All it took was realizing I'm not alone at all, in fact I am loved far more than I could imagine. All it took was turning around and seeing a very special book right behind me. 


James 4:10

大学を始め

Ballet, English, Algebra, Japanese.
My first day of college was just excellent.


I woke up early and jumped into some tights and a sweater and ran down to the gym. The gym on campus is hidden behind a lovely art garden with statues and art pieces  and hedges. The hallways in this particular building are very small with low ceilings, close walls, and low lights. Making my way briskly to ballet, I wasn't sure what to expect. Ballet, I have decided, is like no other dance class I have ever taken. I actually do worry that I won't be good at it. But it's so interesting and it's so little of my time, I'd love to give it a try.  Today we learned the first, second, and third, and sixth positions of ballet. I am ready to give this my very best.


Finding my English class was far more of a challenge than I had expected it to be. But all the while, skipping around campus, I was so excited to get to where I was going, I couldn't have possibly become frustrated with myself. I started off in the right building, thinking I was in the wrong building, then when I left that building, I realized I had no idea where I  was on campus. This was delightfully frightening. I ran over to the wrong building, sat down in the wrong class, realized I was in the wrong class, and then went all the way back. All of this took me about 10 minutes, which didn't make me too late to class. We're talking about the freedom of speech this semester, it should be interesting. It was when I was sitting in this class that I did realize the obvious - I haven't been to college in two years - and I have so much to learn again that I have forgotten. English class today definitely proved this to me.  At the time it was rather intimidating, but I'm willing to give it my very best and see what happens.


Algebra is in a trailer...


The Humanities building on campus is one of my favorite, and the place where I'll be spending most of my time as a Japanese major. I'll be studying Kanji this semester. I was so excited when my teacher began the class in Japanese. She set down a bunch of papers and whirled away in the language of my soul, I was pleasantly surprised. As I passed through the hallways of the Humanities building, I could feel this excitement rising up in my heart just thinking of the things that these next four years will have to offer me. I am overjoyed to be here, I can't really say much else.

野田めのカンタビール。

As the week has gone by, life has already started changing. The rail is becoming a ladder and time is passing. I've finished my last day at work, after two years with the company. It's sad to be leaving, but I'll have to get focused soon in order to take the on the task of becoming a student. Returning to school after having the responsibility of a job, feels strange to me. It makes me wonder if I'll become any less mature or be surrounded by people who I cannot connect with. I won't worry about it, I'll be alright.

I've found myself over indulging in classic music lately, yes all because I sat down to watch this wonderful, funny Japanese drama called Noda-me no Cantabile. I usually watch Japanese series to work on my comprehension, but this particular story really hit close to home for me. I can relate well to the character Noda Megumi who has this amazing talent at piano, but it's not perfect, so she doesn't want to use it for performance at all. Somehow she's ended up at a music school but she is studying to be a teacher instead. Much like her, I feel I've put my musical abilities on the shelf, and much like her, I'm starting to feel like I've let waste of a good thing.

My piano, guitar, and bass guitar have collected dust over this past year. I took the time to carefully clean each. To place my hands on the piano keys again and just see what happens, forgetting what I knew, it's been so long there wasn't much to remember, I was left sleepless as long as the piano was in sight last night. Even this morning, hearing church music gave me a similar feeling, like my heart was swimming in the cool waters after a long drought. I, to this moment, do not understand it. What joy is there in music that I'd so quickly forgotten?

I've known since high school that I have no technique that would cause someone to want to assist me in furthering my knowledge of music, I'd have to start from the bottom and work my way up from elementary to intermediate. Finding the opportunity to do so hasn't been the easiest, however, I seem to have come back in touch with the person I was before I turned 17.

She was a person who was so passionately enamored by the piano, guitar, bass guitar, drums, rock music, and to this day still the Japanese language. She would devote her free time to relentless practice and listening, learning in a way much different from the typical virtuoso. She had no technique, just drive. And somehow, though often it left her wanting, there would be a rare instance in which she would surprise herself. She'd dream a composition, wake up and play it as though she'd written it awake. She was, to me, perfect in every way, because there was something she loved in her life.

Having reunited with this person, I want to be her again, well not entirely. She was lacking certain experience, but I don't want to discard her the way I did two years ago. I think we've met again for a reason. I think we've met again to make music.

私達は友達何でしょう？

Ah, there is nothing like hearing new and wonderful music, or being reunited with old favorites. This week I payed a visit to my old Yahoo Radio (I know, right?!) and Last.fm accounts, and found tons of great old and new bands. To name a few, I am currently taken by a group called AS MEIAS. Their song 'Instant' is just wonderful, it's Japanese indie, so while they don't just mess around, I can still get in touch with that very small but soft side for emo music. And on the subject of emo music, Deep Elm's Emo Diaries Chapter 5 is a wonderful old favorite I bumped into. I've always particularly had a fling with the track 'Accentuate' by Billy. Both of these musical search engines have basically shaped my music life, save my deep research into Visual, so I definitely recommend using them. As a musician and an avid music listener, finding something new is always a joy to me, and I'm sure it would be a joy to you too.

私は自由.

The older I get the more I start to realize that there truly is only one unrealistic thing I hope for on an almost constant basis. I want to play in a rock band. Ever since I've seen bands live, or taken a pure interest in music for that matter, it's been the epitome of what I could call freedom.
I just think about it this way - to lock yourself in a room with three or four people and create something you all love out of  rhythm and some kind movements of the air, to put it plainly, is just seductive. It's something that, just the thought of it, I could get lost in.Turning around and playing back your brainchild, I know from experience, is like coming face to face with ugliness and beauty existing together, a rare occurrence. Conveying the things that you feel or want to feel, through sound and words, whether in a general way or in the smallest of details, compressing emotions into 3 minutes and 30 seconds, is a feeling inexplicable.
I have composed alone, and in a group once, and ever since then it's something I feel like I can't wait until I am able to do it again. But as time continues, I get busy with other things that don't captivate my soul in the same way. Why is it that, humanity, we turn away from the one we love the most? Because the less lovely things are just more important some how? I will never understand it, though I turn away so much, and do what I don't understand.
After awhile, do people just stop going after the things that they want in life? It's something I've always wondered, or do people really change their minds? To think for myself, if I haven't let it go, am I just being immature or is this unrealistic dream something to continue being hopeful for?

私達の部屋でデービルいるよ。

He thinks that the Devil could be in our house. My account is true and there's nothing to be with held. I don't believe him, he's serious though this time. And he's never serious. I will say that there are reasons for me to feel uneasy, but none such as you would see in a film where a household is overtaken by a dark spirit. The other brother may very well have lost his mind. He's making the mother cry now, she's just asking to be alone, and crying. I wonder what exactly is it that's going on in this house. And should I have concern enough to stay, or continue my education at the university a full day's travel north. There's much to be said, but unfortunately it's all emotion and feeling. It's said that fear is a spirit, and countered that it is just an emotion. Well, wherever you are, spirit, I'd much prefer that you leave. As you can see, there are four who do not like you here, and one who does. Though, I admit our curiosity, which also may be our end, may be the very thing that is keeping you here. I'd prefer you not answer, spirit of fear, I'd like to never know what your voice sounds like.